jayfurr: (Default)


I apologize to everyone for being a tiresomely annoying, self-centered, whiny, attention-whoring, angry, malicious jerk.


I wish I could make amends to everyone I’ve harmed.


Since I can’t, I am planning on more-or-less permanently deactivating all my social media accounts.


If, in the short term, you would like a personal apology, let me know. It’s always hard to know if a personal attempt at amends will actually make things worse, and that’s the last thing I want to do.

Stuff

Feb. 27th, 2011 09:07 pm
jayfurr: (Coffee at Nickels)
This has been a weird year so far.

Until last week, I had been on the road EVERY SINGLE WEEK of 2011.

And I was battling severe depression. Depression so bad that after a very minor "why'd you skip the weekly team conference call?" query from my manager I was so bummed and full of I-am-so-useless thoughts that I found myself seriously considering calling up to quit my job. (I had somehow misread the cancellation of another meeting as cancelling our team scrum for that week, and upon being asked about this, absolutely couldn't even find the cancellation notice I'd misread let alone demonstrate whether or not it was in regards to our team meeting. Good times.)

Before you ask, I did not quit my job. I called my boss and told her how crazy and irrational and down on myself I was feeling, got reassured that I was not in imminent danger of being fired and in fact would be a huge loss for the team if I ever left, and then called our EAP to get a referral to a local counselor/therapist. And I went to the therapist last week and I dunno, I guess it helped some. I have another appointment this week. We'll see if that helps. Can't hurt, I guess.

This kind of depression isn't common with me. Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I can be moody. But I rarely have outright gonzo-level depression. My latest theory is that I need be more physically active and burn some of the crazy out.

Over the last few years, during the spring and summer and fall I've done a lot of walking to get ramped up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure walks... but come winter my level of activity has slowed down. This past November I made a brave noise of going to the hotel fitness center or gym each day and managed to actually carry through right up through Christmas, but ... then let things slide as my schedule got weird and busy in January. And that, combined with the winter weather (I've managed to be on the road and hit several blizzards in various cities, so, no, being away from Vermont hasn't helped) and short days, probably hasn't done my brain any good.

So last week, when I was actually here in Vermont and therefore able to actually make use of my gym membership, I went to the gym and tried, for the first time EVAR, to run a 5K on the indoor track. I found that I wasn't actually able to run continuously for the 25 laps that it would take to do 5 kilometers, but by running a lap, walking a lap, running a lap, walking a lap, etcetera, I was actually able to do the distance in 31 minutes or so. I went back a couple of days later and tried again and JUST slipped over the 30 minute mark: 30.01. Today I tried again and this time was able to run continuously for 10 laps before having to walk, and only walked four laps in all (if I recall correctly). My time was 29:52. Not a huge time improvement, admittedly, but I think I'm learning to moderate my running pace so it doesn't wear me out and therefore I can do more continuous laps, and I guess that's good. Once I can run 25 laps continuously I can work on decreasing the time each week.

I'm not trying to become a runner. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people who religiously has has to get out and run every day, but it can't hurt to increase my cardiovascular health. Obviously, as any 3-Day participant would leap to tell me, I can't run exclusively; I have to do my walking too if I'm going to continue my never-had-to-ride-a-sweep-van record in this year's San Francisco and Atlanta 3-Day walks. But that being said, running more often would probably be good discipline, probably helps my heart and my stress level, and, hopefully, will achieve the stated purpose of "burning the crazy out."


Stuff

Feb. 27th, 2011 09:02 pm
jayfurr: (Coffee at Nickels)
This has been a weird year so far.

Until last week, I had been on the road EVERY SINGLE WEEK of 2011.

And I was battling severe depression. Depression so bad that after a very minor "why'd you skip the weekly team conference call?" query from my manager I was so bummed and full of I-am-so-useless thoughts that I found myself seriously considering calling up to quit my job. (I had somehow misread the cancellation of another meeting as cancelling our team scrum for that week, and upon being asked about this, absolutely couldn't even find the cancellation notice I'd misread let alone demonstrate whether or not it was in regards to our team meeting. Good times.)

Before you ask, I did not quit my job. I called my boss and told her how crazy and irrational and down on myself I was feeling, got reassured that I was not in imminent danger of being fired and in fact would be a huge loss for the team if I ever left, and then called our EAP to get a referral to a local counselor/therapist. And I went to the therapist last week and I dunno, I guess it helped some. I have another appointment this week. We'll see if that helps. Can't hurt, I guess.

This kind of depression isn't common with me. Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I can be moody. But I rarely have outright gonzo-level depression. My latest theory is that I need be more physically active and burn some of the crazy out.

Over the last few years, during the spring and summer and fall I've done a lot of walking to get ramped up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure walks... but come winter my level of activity has slowed down. This past November I made a brave noise of going to the hotel fitness center or gym each day and managed to actually carry through right up through Christmas, but ... then let things slide as my schedule got weird and busy in January. And that, combined with the winter weather (I've managed to be on the road and hit several blizzards in various cities, so, no, being away from Vermont hasn't helped) and short days, probably hasn't done my brain any good.

So last week, when I was actually here in Vermont and therefore able to actually make use of my gym membership, I went to the gym and tried, for the first time EVAR, to run a 5K on the indoor track. I found that I wasn't actually able to run continuously for the 25 laps that it would take to do 5 kilometers, but by running a lap, walking a lap, running a lap, walking a lap, etcetera, I was actually able to do the distance in 31 minutes or so. I went back a couple of days later and tried again and JUST slipped over the 30 minute mark: 30.01. Today I tried again and this time was able to run continuously for 10 laps before having to walk, and only walked four laps in all (if I recall correctly). My time was 29:52. Not a huge time improvement, admittedly, but I think I'm learning to moderate my running pace so it doesn't wear me out and therefore I can do more continuous laps, and I guess that's good. Once I can run 25 laps continuously I can work on decreasing the time each week.

I'm not trying to become a runner. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people who religiously has has to get out and run every day, but it can't hurt to increase my cardiovascular health. Obviously, as any 3-Day participant would leap to tell me, I can't run exclusively; I have to do my walking too if I'm going to continue my never-had-to-ride-a-sweep-van record in this year's San Francisco and Atlanta 3-Day walks. But that being said, running more often would probably be good discipline, probably helps my heart and my stress level, and, hopefully, will achieve the stated purpose of "burning the crazy out."


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