Sad today

[jayfurr]

I have reached my minimum fundraising goal for Tampa and DC so I can now walk both cities. I thank everyone who donated generously and am grateful for your support. Per my promise, I will now HUSH UP about fundraising until June 19 -- the day I plan to walk 60 miles in 24 hours.

I should be pleased by the news that my fundraising total is almost at the $5000 mark. But I'm not, not really.

Last night, I was briefly and annoyingly wide awake for a while and wandered into my home office to check my email. I saw an email with the blessed subject line "A donation has been made on your behalf" and had the usual WOO HOO reaction. Then I opened it and saw the donor, and the amount, and said "Wait. She already donated VERY generously this year. And now she's given $500???" I immediately went to my 3-Day participant center and viewed the donor message left by my friend when she entered the donation -- and saw the horrible news as to why she'd given again, and given so generously. Cancer that had been in remission in someone she cares about ... isn't in remission any more. Let's just put it that way. I wrote and thanked my donor and said how sorry I was, then went upstairs to bed again and lay awake for about another hour, just staring at the ceiling.

I'm glad to be at $4767 with months to go before Boston, DC, and Tampa. But I wish that fundraising targets being reached didn't have to come at such an appalling human cost. It's times like this that the reason we walk comes home so powerfully. I've gotten donations from people after they lost a loved one, or in memory of a loved one, and I'm sad then too... but I can't help feeling absolutely rotten when I hear the news that someone who thought they'd beat cancer finds out the hard way that the monster's come back for another round, and who knows what the ultimate outcome will be?

Cancer sucks. :(

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I just wanted to write that I absolutely understand your conflict of emotions. During my first 3 Day, my mom was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. I found that my fundraising was a breeze - I easily raised over $8000. In 2008, Mom was in remission, and the fundraising was much harder. This year, Mom's cancer has returned and with it, the generous donations from compassionate friends and family.

While it is wonderful that everyone is giving so generously again this year, I would much rather have to sweat out every last penny if it meant Mom wasn't going through this again.

~ Kristen

[10zlaine.livejournal.com]

(here from facebook!)

Congrats!

I've only just begun my fundraising, so I envy you. Well done!

On the sadder note, I'm so sorry about your friend's loved one.


(this is tammy...we crewed in Boston together, btw)

[keyne.livejournal.com]

I've been meaning to ask you, if it isn't too personal: did you get into this because it affected a family member of yours?

[jayfurr.livejournal.com]

No, and it's not too personal.

Back in 2007, I turned 40 and at about the same time I realized that I wasn't going to be having kids -- it just wasn't in the cards. I travel too much and Carole has all she can manage keeping her own body and soul together, let alone having to worry about a baby.

So: with no next generation of our own to worry about and take care of, what was I going to do with my life other than keep on going to work each day?

To complicate matters still further, I couldn't "add meaning" by signing up for a thrice-weekly shift as a volunteer at some social service non-profit; volunteers who may call and say "Bad news. Gotta fly to Tusculum to do some training that just came up" aren't entirely welcome at most non-profits. You need people you can count on being there.

A friend of mine, sandyinstep, suggested I come walk the 2008 DC 3-Day with her if I was so desperate to have something meaningful to do besides eat, work, and sleep and that didn't require a regular schedule.

She has had a number of people in her life affected, so that's why she's involved, and I had to admit that if I was going to go around bitching and moaning about not being able to get involved in any regular, routine sort of volunteering because of my work schedule, something like the 3-Day would be a) meaningful, and b) just exactly the kind of thing that would fit my job's constraints on my time.

A curious corrolary of getting involved in the 2008 DC 3-Day was that I began getting in much better shape. All the walking and stuff caused a lot of weight to melt right off, either as a direct result of the calories burned or because I got my metabolism to crank up. I have to say that being around all the dogged, determined women who walk 3-Days even though they're breast cancer survivors or patients still undergoing chemo and radiation certainly made me think twice about my own self-indulgent lifestyle.